Must be available nights, weekends, legal holidays, as well as any and all odd hours on days ending with the letter Y. Early morning work slots expected and required. Vacation not guaranteed. Sick time unavailable.
Both male and female applicants are encouraged to apply.
Terms of employment:
Tenure of position will be measured in 18-year increments, renewable without prior notice or approval. Job duties and responsibilities may double or triple (or even quadruple) throughout the duration of the appointment.
Upon successful assignment to the position, applicant relinquishes all rights to terminate said employment. In other words, quitting is not an option.
Ideal applicants will bring an innate sense of optimism to their work as well as an immeasurable capacity to love. Applicant’s heart will have the ability to expand exponentially as the rigors of the job increase.
Extreme endurance and stamina a plus. Desired applicants must be willing and able to experience sleep deprivation and intense emotion including but not limited to: worry, frustration, worry, apprehension and worry, combined with equal doses of happiness, hope contentment, pride, excitement, tenderness and awe.
Ability to laugh when you feel like crying will prove useful in normal, day-to-day duties. Aptitude for handling high levels of stress a must.
Vocal responsibilities include yelling approval at soccer games and whispering prayers at bedtime. Keeping one’s mouth shut, even when you know you are right, can serve as an advantageous skill – especially during years 13 through 18.
Must not have an aversion to substances that may be (planfully or inadvertently) expelled from any body orifice in any remote or public location, at any time – day or night.
Should possess a masterful competence for remaining calm when faced with a variety declarations including, but not limited to: “Have you seen my iguana?” “I got into a little crash with the car,” and “Did you know the lid on the green paint can was loose?”
Bonus points given to applicants with knowledge of the food pyramid and/or a knack for making broccoli appealing to a 6-year-old.
Frequent role-playing required. Characters include: a giant rabbit, molar-loving fairy and a jolly old elf. Other roles may be assigned on an as-needed basis.
Familiarity with new math helpful, but not essential. Kissing boo boos mandatory.
Applicants must recognize that during the first decade of their appointment they will be viewed as possessing unsurpassed knowledge and awareness about the world in general, and should act in such a capacity.
During the second decade on the job, applicants will suddenly and inexplicably lose all intelligence, becoming, quite obviously, an embarrassment. At this point, hugging in public will no longer be tolerated and applicants should do their best to remain invisible whenever possible.
None offered. Nine-month preparation period provided, after which learning on-the-job is expected and required.
Include a belief in miracles and firsthand knowledge of unconditional love.
This is a salaried position. No overtime pay will be authorized. In fact, monetary payment is not included with this job. Compensation will be received in the form of handprints on the walls, dandelion bouquets, sticky kisses and immeasurable joy – not necessarily in that order.
Jill Pertler, award-winning syndicated columnist and author of “The Do-It-Yourselfer’s Guide to Self-Syndication” is collecting fans on Facebook on her Slices of Life page. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org; or visit her website at http://marketing-by-design.home.mchsi.com/.