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Sunday, May 19, 2024

Slices of Life: Countdown to royal love


By: Jill Pertler


I don’t give a shilling about the Royal Wedding.

There, I said it out loud and lightning didn’t strike me down. Bloody well thought it might.

Perhaps such a lack of imperial interest warrants an apology. I am not intrigued, excited, anticipatory or enthralled. Am I the only one?

I am not anti-royalty. I am sure I would consider Kate and William just smashing if we met up over a couple of pints or perchance a spot of tea. They’ll make a great prince and princess or king and queen or whatever they are destined to become. I like Kate and William – as people, not puppets.

The media attention is what I question. The morning news show I watch on the telly has been conducting an on-air countdown for somewhere near 100 days. For me, it’s gotten as old as the queen herself.

Day 99 (and counting): What will the bride’s mother wear? We have an exclusive interview with mothers, none of whom are related to Kate or William, or are even British for that matter. But they are mothers and they wear clothes. Live, after the next break!

Day 82 (and counting): Thoughts on what Prince Harry may or may not say during his best man speech. Will he make jokes about Prince William’s male pattern baldness? We have a psychology expert in studio to explore possible answers to that question – and more. Stay tuned!

Day 63 (and counting): Are Camilla and Kate best mates or just the opposite? What do they talk about when they meet up in the royal loo? Is it a bathroom catfight? We don’t know the answer to these questions because the royals don’t give interviews, but we’re going to wing it with a mother/ daughter-in-law duo from Toledo who have been duking it out for the last decade. Right after the weather!

Day 45 (and counting): Where will Kate and William spend their honeymoon? We have a travel expert who speculates between Africa, Australia, the Caribbean, Ireland an even the northwoods of Minnesota. Blimey, what a choice that would be!

Day 31 (and counting): Who will design the wedding dress? Rumor has it Kate is having three (count them, three) dresses made for the special day, so no one knows for sure which she’ll take a fancy to (not even Kate). Can you stand the excitement? Photos of possible dress designs by possible designers exclusively here (quite possibly).

Day 14 (and counting): Who is the world’s favorite princess – Diana or Kate? Some speculate Kate will surpass Lady Di in the polls. What do our viewers think? You’ll be surprised at the varying opinions – or lack thereof.

And so it goes. Is Kate going to wear a tiara? William a wedding ring? Will Prince Charles keep a stiff upper lip during the ceremony? Will Camilla be permitted access to the Crown Jewels? What does it all mean? Why are we Yanks so enamored with the royal hoopla?

I must be lacking the queen gene. How else do you explain my inability to be captivated by something so monarchalicious? Perhaps I’m too daft to understand the princess factor of the fanfare. Either that, or I was born on the wrong side of the pond.

The TV announcer excitedly tells us live coverage will begin at 4:00 a. m. on the day of the nuptials. Four (gulp) in the morning? I didn’t even get up that early for my own wedding. Blimey.

Never mind; this is history in the making. Pity the bloke who doesn’t get it.

I guess that’s me. I don’t care about royalty, jewels or the length of the bridal gown’s train. I fear the festivities have gotten so big, we may have lost sight of what it’s supposed to be about: William and Kate.

Because at the back side of all this splendor – at the end of the day – we will be left with simply a boy and a girl who want nothing more than to remain madly in love and live happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales. There’s a story worthy of our attention.

Jill Pertler, award-winning syndicated columnist and author of “The Do-It-Yourselfer’s Guide to Self-Syndication” is collecting fans on Facebook on her Slices of Life page. Email her at; or visit her website at

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